6 tips on how to be a bad dog, as told by Jack

Wuf! Hi! Wuf!

I’m Jack, Megan’s four-year-old Jack Russell Terrier (I came with the name “Jack,” BTW. Mom likes people to think she’s more creative than that. I, on the other paw, am relieved I came with my name, as she creatively named my older brother “Kisses.”)

This is a little note to all the dogs out there who’d like the tricks of the terrorizing trade. You see, I’ve been up to some mischief lately and know that my antics are excellent ways to make your people nutty. Hahahawufbark!

It can be done in 6 simple steps!

Step 1: Fixate
I see something, be it a bird, a cat, bird eggs, anything small and furry/feathery, and I obsess. My people think they can get my attention by calling my name in a stern tone. Nope. They try bribing me to come in the house with milk bones. Forgettaboudit! I am in my hunting zone and the only way I’m leaving is if they carry my dog ass in the house.

Step 2: Dig
My digging started in the yard and around the trees—rookie mistake. I quickly learned that I should be digging along the fence if I ever wanted to get anywhere. Mom keeps sticking bricks and boards up around the fence, but I have ways around those, which leads me to…

Step 3: Undo Obstacles
Brick in the way of progress? Move it. They’re not that heavy. Heck, I’m only 15 pounds and I can drag them out of their carefully positioned spots. Wood fence boards interfering? Eat them. Wood is soft and can be destroyed with teeth.

Step 4: Make the Most of Your Surroundings
I’m in the backyard but I want to be in the front. I’ve got a hole, I’ve moved the bricks, now I just need some leverage. Ah wuf hah! There’s a hose. Look for areas of opportunity and tug. Tug with all your might. And when your mom catches you, carries you inside, goes back outside, pushes the hose back through the fence and replaces the brick, simply go out and do it all again the next time you’re let out. Trust me, this will get her blood boiling every time. Hahawufwufwuf!

Step 5: Bark
This is an especially good tactic if you’re smaller, as your bark is yelp-y. Bow wow wow! Say it with me! Do this any and every time anything is the slightest bit different in and around your yard. Is the neighbor out minding his own business? Bark! Are the kids in the yard behind yours on their trampoline AGAIN? Bark away. Do you see a cat perched on the porch across the way? Tell that cat who’s boss. Heck, I’ll even bark at the top of my lungs if the wind decides to blow in a slightly unique direction. Use those doggie lungs and make sure you completely ignore your people as they pound on the door and yell “quiet” from inside. Make ‘em come out after you to shut you up. It’s heeee-ruf-larious!

Step 6: Look Cute
I have a surefire way to save you once you’ve pushed your limits and have your people ready to snap. Simply give them a cute look. Tilt your cute doggie head to the side, maybe jump up in the air a few times, and definitely get a few licks in. They’ll immediately forget about your “wrongdoings” and maybe even show you a little petting love. Works every time!

I hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to be a “bad dog.” As we all know, it’s the people who are really bad. They’re the ones sleeping in the nice beds while we're on the floor at their feet in some flimsy excuse for a bed. They’re the ones who eat delicious food, all the while serving us the same puppy chow every day, three times a day, for years! They’re the ones who won’t let us chew on their shoes and slippers, despite their tasty appearance. My tricks are meager in comparison, really, but it’s the least we can do to hold our ground.

Good ruf luck!