After losing our first baby at 10 weeks, I entered into this pregnancy leery, to say the least. In an effort to protect my heart from experiencing the unimaginable pain that comes from such a loss again, I didn’t allow myself to get caught up in the baby excitement. I told the friends and family who knew I was expecting that I didn’t want to discuss being pregnant, and I basically went about my business as if I weren’t... mentally, that is.
This was an easy approach, as Cory felt the exact same way. We didn’t decide on this “plan” together. It was just how we both reacted, in an effort to protect our hearts from the possible ache that we didn’t know if we could face again.
I know it sounds... well, harsh, I guess, but we felt a second pregnancy was a great gamble that would either pay off or break us.
Things started to change around week 16. We were still scared and worried that things weren’t going to work out, but a small glimmer of hope that they would work out started to grow. We heard a healthy heartbeat and had seen our sweet babe on an ultrasound several times. Plus, we had the confidence of our doctor, who felt things were proceeding as they should.
Could this pregnancy really turn into a child? Our child?
Then I saw this outfit -- a sweet sweater suit -- and I was in love. I didn’t know if I was having a boy or a girl at the time, but I thought this little number would work for either. And it was on sale!
...made the purchase.
This may sound silly, but this was a HUGE step for me. It meant acknowledging the fact that I was expecting a baby. A little person who would actually wear this adorable attire someday. It made everything feel... real.
This was a turning point.
The act of buying this one little outfit changed everything. It took me from just experience sickness and a changing body to being an expectant mother. It made things feel real. And wonderful!
Today, at 22 weeks, I’m still terrified everyday. Terrified something will go wrong. Terrified I’ll make a mistake. Eat the wrong food. Lift the wrong box. Take the wrong trip. Stress too much. Do something to jeopardize our child. But I’m also exhilarated. We’re going to be parents, which brings a feeling of excitement I can’t begin to explain or replace with anything I've experienced before. The hope I feel doesn’t eliminate the fear, but it certainly counters it and has me in a place where I feel I can actually enjoy this time in my life instead of fear it. Finally.
And it all started with this one little outfit. An outfit I just happened upon in a local gift shop. It just goes to show ya that small blessings really can be found around any corner. And I’m so thankful I happened around the right corner at the right time.