A lost a friend and some found perspective

Image (and a tasty bread recipe) from tasteofhome.com


This weekend, the smell of homemade bread fills our house in honor of a friend who passed away a few days ago. Why bread? Well, she gave us our bread maker as a wedding gift, so it just felt like a good thing to do.


I’m struggling with this loss, which is natural. Losing a friend is hard. But this particular loss is hitting me on a few different levels. You see, she and Mom were both diagnosed with cancer right around the same time. (You can read more about Mom’s diagnosis here.)


The thing about cancer is it can go one of two ways. Mom’s has gone one way (she continues to heal and find some much needed strength), and our friend's, heartbreakingly, went the other way. It just goes to show you that life is incredibly unstable. Why are our hands dealt the way they are?


I was recently visiting a narcolepsy message board as I’m known to do on occasion, and I came across a thread about a person who said something along the lines of this, “Sometimes I’d rather be dead than have to deal with narcolepsy.” Narcolepsy is difficult and my heart absolutely goes out to this person, but I just can’t imagine feeling this way. Life is precious. Sure, having this illness is a pain in the ass, but we all have our challenges to deal with. At least our paths are still on the road of living. At least we still have time to eat those tasty doughnuts, to play with those rambunctious doggies, to hug the ones we love...to live!


I miss my friend. She was a very good, very gentle, very kindhearted woman. Her passing leaves an absence in this world. But I’m thankful I’m alive to miss her. I’m thankful Mom is alive to miss her. And whether it’s November, a wonderful month for expressing gratitude, or any other month of the year, I hope we can all recognize the blessings that surround us on our paths.

The Narc Side: Medicine Dilemma

Do you ever feel like you’re in a haze? Almost like you’re disconnected from life? I’ve felt that way lately, and I’m starting to wonder if it has anything to do with my lack of Narcolepsy (N) medicine...


I’ll pause to say that today I’m taking a break from the usual crafty post to talk N. On occasion, I write these “The Narc Side” posts, which are meant to discuss different aspects of having N. If you aren’t sure what this disease is about, you can read more about it in my first Narc Side post, here.


Okay, back to my hazy happenings.


To take medicine or not to take medicine? This is today’s question. N causes you to fall asleep and suffer from severe daytime sleepiness. There are drugs to counter this. Strong drugs. Speed, in essence. They work, but not without a price. I took these drugs for five years and just recently called it quits. I quit when I found out I was pregnant, because you can’t be on them while pregnant, and even though I have since lost the baby, I have yet to get back on them. It’s been almost seven months since being off the meds. At first I was shocked at how easy it was. I’ve heard that on rare occasions pregnancy will counter the N symptoms. Perhaps that is what was happening. But I can now feel it catching up to me. Enter the haze.


I’m torn. Do I take the meds or don’t I? At work we’re fans of Pros & Cons lists. It helps us come to decisions we can feel good about. Maybe that’s what I need here.


Medicine Pros:

  • It keeps me awake.
  • I have more energy to get things done.
  • I have a much easier time getting the words from my brain to my mouth.
  • I’m more upbeat and have more pep.
  • It gives me some control over my life. (Since I’ve stopped taking it, I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight and my house is a worse mess than usual, all because I have very little energy, especially after a day of work.)


Medicine Cons:

  • It’s super expensive ($400 out of pocket each month).
  • It gives me daily headaches.
  • I can’t help but wonder if it had something to do with my miscarriage. (I took it for six weeks before I knew I was pregnant.) If I want to get pregnant again in the future, and I do, I don’t want that anywhere near my system.
  • It’s a HUGE pain in the neck to get--lots of approvals and hoops to jump through since it’s a controlled substance.
  • Did I mention it was hella expensive?


Bleck. Both lists make good points. There isn’t a real runaway winner here.


Why am I writing all of this in a blog? I honestly don’t know.


Maybe I’m seeking the perfect answer, though I know that’s next to impossible to give. Of course, advice is always nice, with or without that perfect answer.


Perhaps misery loves company and I’m hoping someone will come along and say, “Hey, I know how you feel. I have dilemma X and it sucks.” (Though I don’t wish dilemma X on anyone.)


This post could just be my way of processing some of the crap that’s in my head right now. Some of the stuff I have to think about but SO don’t want to. Maybe I’ll just drop the meds and pretend to be normal and everything will be okay. Yeah, that’s not really working out for me.


I hope it’s not because I’m seeking a pity party, because I absolutely know that there are so many things worse than N. At least I have the option to take medicine. At least I have a disease that I can live with and function with (for the most part).


I can’t explain why I’m sharing this. I just know that I was driving home from work today, blasting a little Def Leopard, and I started to cry. LAME! Who cries to Def Leopard? “Pour Some Sugar on Me” isn’t exactly a song that tugs at the heartstrings. When I explored that and the reasons behind my tears, my absolute and complete exhaustion came to mind. People cry when they’re tired, and I’m beyond tired. Does this mean it’s time to start taking the meds again? Will that help clear the haze? Heck if I know...