I’ve been blue. This past weekend, I was feeling quite low and quite unsupported in certain areas of my life. I told my sweet (and always supportive!) husband—or at least I tried to—and I got all teary. Certain things had lead up to these feelings, but they’re things I’ve encountered before, so I don’t know why they hit extra hard this particular weekend. Brings me to the title of the post.
Rhythm & Blues
Do you suppose it’s all just part of life’s rhythm? That these ups and downs, highs and lows, ebbs and flows, are simply cyclical? Natural? I ask, because I feel good today. Great, actually! In a 24-hour period, I was presented with three unique and very cool opportunities. Can’t argue with that kind of day.
But, digging down to a deeper level of self exploration (a sometimes spooky place to go, even with my flashlight), I wonder if I am always sad (chemically or something) and simply mask that by keeping myself busy and enjoying opportunities (jobs, social engagements, Dean Cain [more on that in a future post ;)], etc.). You know, riding those waves until they run out and the sad creeps back in. I hope not. I’ve never thought of myself as a particularly sad person, but things have been off, which leads me to think about patterns and wonder.
Am I only happy when I feel I’m succeeding and accepted outside of the family unit? And, if so, how ridiculously SAD and selfish is that? Life is about SO much more than the external. It’s about the internal first and foremost. I know I’m accepted and adored here. Even at my worst—and here is where I am my worst—I’m surrounded by the sweetest bunch of cheerleaders possible. THAT should be enough. That IS enough. But, somehow it also isn’t… sometimes.
In my Pity Party on Saturday, I asked Cor if he ever thought of me as being bipolar or something along those clinical lines. He said no but asked if I could be pregnant. He wasn't trying to dismiss my feelings or be a smartA (as my mom says). This is how I was during early pregnancy. Sad and weepy and emotional. So I guess it was a fair question. However, not entirely reassuring that he saw that in me now.
I’ve discussed this in a similar fashion on Facebook before (the responses always so nice), which leaves me wondering about the rhythm theory. If I’ve been in a similar situation before and now find myself here again, is it situational or behavioral? Or both?
Writing sometimes provides clarity. If I can get the thoughts out—clear some of the path—I can better differentiate and understand where the root of a problem is so I can make corrections. But I’m an extrovert. The dialogue helps. So I risk coming across as ungrateful/whiny/[insert other undesirable adjectives here] and make my writing public in the hopes of receiving such dialogue. The PR professional in me knows this probably isn’t my brightest move. But the need to feed the extrovert often wins out in that argument. (Anybody else now thinking about the episode of Seinfeld where different parts of Jerry’s anatomy are in a chess match against each other? It’s something like that, but it’s sound reasoning vs. emotion in my match. And my heart-on-my-sleeve mentality means reason often loses.)
Could my extroverted personality trait be part of the problem? I no longer get to “extrovert” nearly as much as I did for most of my life. I spend 90% of my time with a lovely couple of kids whom I love dearly. I choose to be home with them. I want to be home with them. But the daily conversations had using my best Goofy voice don’t really cut it when it comes to processing this kind of thing and clearing those tricky paths.
So, here I am. Worrying the bottom is about to fall out again. And wondering why it does. Is it simply cyclical (part of my unique rhythm) or do I need to do some serious soul searching and work to change my own path in areas where I continue to feel hurt? It seems ridiculous to stay in places or patterns that cause hurt (even when they also bring joy) and expect things to not hurt. It's the definition of insanity, right? Einstein or some fart smeller (as Cor would say) said that.
Life. It certainly has its rhythm. And I’ve certainly felt my blues. I don’t love that. I have too much to be thankful for and too much that genuinely makes my heart happy to have any reason to feel so unsupported and intentionally excluded. Especially since the areas where these feelings are triggered aren’t even that prominent, which leaves me all the more confused. I guess it’s a matter of the sad and the heavy being just that—HEAVY! They weigh more, so even when experienced in MUCH smaller doses by comparison, they still tip the scales from time to time. Does that make sense? And as selfish as this will likely sound, I try too hard and do too much to continue taking the tips. Nobody should knowingly keep themselves in positions of tip. Life is too short and we’re all too valuable for that.
Yeah… so… no natural or easy end here. But I will say that I also adore the rhythm for the highs itbrings. That’s one wonderful wave to ride and I think it all comes down to finding ways to shift my current so the undercurrent reaches me less often. Even if that means giving up things or people I value… But if you know me at all, you know I dislike change. It can be hard and uncomfortable. I need much strength to walk into those feelings knowingly. Sigh...
Thanks for reading. If you’ve made it this far, know that I sure appreciate it. And you. I’m not sure what this extreme extrovert would do without my screen friends. BTW, absolutely no need to actually answer my many questions. I’m asking myself more than anything. But if this happens to trigger something that you’ve experienced and you have some input, you bet I’d love to read it.
Love & Light!